school starts

After much, much, much deliberation we decided to send Coda to Pre-K and Clove to the same preschool in the Two's room. I can now sit here, after months of late night thinking, that we made the right decision.

2 birthdays, pneumonia, and an empty gas tank

Much of the month of May was a pneumonia-fest for me. Good times. Two days after being diagnosed with pneumonia I decided I was well enough to teach back-to-back yoga classes. Not smart. I walked out of the studio, and was greeted by one of the worst thunderstorms I've seen since returning to Austin. Once I reached my car, I was soaked to the bone. During the drive home (at about 20 mph since the visibility was about 3 feet) I shared a mental narrative with the universe. It went something like this:

"Hello, Erin. This is the universe calling. You have pneumonia. This is not a joke. I am trying to make it as clear as possible. You need to go home. Take a warm bath. Get into bed. Do not get out of bed for approximately 4 days. Do you understand?"

Robert got that message too. He organized everything so I could stay in bed from Thursday to Monday. Ah-mazing.

I think I missed one of the earlier signs the universe threw my way when I ran out of gas. Literally. 2 blocks from a gas station, my car just stopped. That was 3 days before I finally went back to the doctor. Just like my car, my personal gas tank was empty, empty, empty. The universe speaks to me in metaphors sometimes.

Many things learned:

 + I am hard headed.
 + I need to listen more to my body.
 + It is hard for me to ask for help.
 + Once help is requested, it is gladly provided by family and friends.
 + I miss and love being able to sleep during the day.
 + I miss and love running around with my kids when I can't.
 + I do believe in Western medicine (at times).
 + Cartilage between your ribs can bruise. It hurts like crazy.

It's too bad this hit me during the month of May. Both Coda and Clove celebrated their birthdays. I am now the mom to a 5 year old and a 2 year old.

wow... i guess i'm kinda over it

A pregnant friend of mine was talking to me about her 33 week prenatal check-up. How her measurements were coming up slightly irregular. Her little baby-to-be was measuring at a 31 week size, when he should be measuring a bit bigger. Of course her midwife said there was nothing to worry about. But seriously, how can a mom not worry about her little baby.

I could tell my friend was a bit concerned, so I tried to reassure her. I instantly started sharing how Clove always measured small. Then the words "and she was fine" came out of my mouth. It literally took me a minute or two after saying those words until I realized that.... well.... she was not fine. She spent some time in the NICU, and she has Down syndrome.

I had this really strange realization that in my mind, right now, Clove is fine. She's downright amazing. Feeling the weight of her diagnosis, and her difficult first few months are not my world right now. And oh my god, when I realized that I said "and she was fine" --- referring to the day of her birth, knowing what she went through, what I went through, what our family went through --- when I said those words I realized, man, I'm over it. Those days are in the past, and they were dark, but I'm done with them. I'm kinda over it. hallelujah.

little girl wish list

I don't often allow myself to return to that emotional and mental space I was in during those 7.5 weeks Clove was in the NICU. However, every now and then I'm reminded of thoughts I had, or emotions I felt. Sometimes those flashes seem surreal. Other times they grip me like a vice to the heart, and I have to quickly distract myself to avoid crumbling inward. I was reminded yesterday of a mental list I created on and off during those 54 days. As I was turning these unwritten pages of things Clove may never do, I found a strange comfort in imagining her doing simple things that I believe every child should experience.

It was Robert's birthday yesterday, and on my list of things that Clove would do one day is eat birthday cake batter. From the beater, from the spoon, licking the bowl, however messy and sticky it would get - she was going to enjoy that simple pleasure. And enjoy she did.

She's crossed many more things off of that mental list of mine. 

>>like stretch out in a big bed, with no wires, no IVs, no monitors:

>>be bundled up in a warm towel after a bubble bath:

 >>be outside on a perfect crisp day to see every color magically become more vibrant:

 >>experience the joy that only birthday cupcakes and goody bags can provide:

>>fall asleep, feeling completely safe and loved on her dad's shoulder:

>>to know and feel unconditional love:

Clove continues to surprise and amaze me every day. I've realized those unwritten pages of her life, and the things I thought she'd never do, that I cried over in the NICU were unwritten because I didn't really know her then. Now that I know her, I now mentally flip through the pages of things that Clove will accomplish and the things she will be able to do. I'm beyond proud of my little sweet girl. 

I will use this lesson learned from Clove and be thankful for the things I can do, and not worry about the things I can't. Feel gratitude for the things I have, and not worry about the things I don't have. Be thankful for the things I've seen, and not worry about the things I haven't seen. Appreciate the experiences I've had, and not wish for anything different.

bright days

You know those days when the world seems better? Colors are more vibrant... you say the right things... you have unlimited energy... you're up for that last minute adventure... you're fine with a later bedtime or missed nap? I always wonder what determines those bright days. Is it something I eat? How I sleep? The color I wear? Is it just a conscious choice to see the world that way? Or is it something that I cannot control. What if it's how the planets are aligned on that day. Or the percentage of oxygen in the air. Whatever it is, I want to have as many bright days as possible. So when I have those dark days, I can remember that feeling of walking on sunshine. This past week has been bright.

    

nothing like a sleeping baby

I love how babies sleep so much more peacefully just being close to someone who loves them. To me it proves the point that there is some natural energetic connection between people, especially a mama and her little one.

going to the fair

Okay... actually it was the "rodeo", but I like so much more referring to it as "the fair". It's kind of in line with the reason I always specify living in "austin" not "texas". But who cares about linguistics here, it was fun! It always amazes me how personality traits can be seen so clearly in kids. Coda has always been cautious, and he was very selective with which rides he felt comfortable riding. I have a feeling that next year Clove will be tugging on Coda's sleeve, leading the way to the double loop roller coaster. If that happens, I know Coda will be making darn sure that they both are above the YOU MUST BE THIS TALL line before even considering the ride. It reminds me of the importance of balance. Stay grounded, but jump up every now and then to feel the butterflies in your stomach. And eat funnel cake every chance you get. yep, oh yeah.

spring break begins

A year or so ago we started a tradition with our kids with random "treat hunts". The search for a new bakery with the mission of finding a new favorite cupcake flavor or discovering a cozy nook to giggle over buttercream frosting. Well, Spring Break is a cause to celebrate so treat hunt we did!

Coda was quick to decide what cupcake he wanted. I eventually decided on the chocolate ice cream. I often wonder if my kids will take after my wishy-washy ways. I can be incredibly indecisive on some matters, big and small. I had a vedic astrology reading at one point, and this tendency of mine was brought up. The way it was explained to me (and I love this) is that I can see the positives and negatives of everything. So making that final decision is difficult because I see good and bad with every flippin' choice.  I need to remember that some decisions are not that big of a deal.... like ice cream flavor. I mean seriously, choosing ice cream flavor is not that big of a deal... enjoying the moment is.

And the weather here is supposedly about to clear up. But am I the only person that cannot figure out how to de-fog windows. Driving to the bakery I was flipping between heat and cold, rolling down windows, hitting the de-fog button. Nothing worked, so our drive alone was an adventure:

I highly recommend treat hunts every once in awhile.

trust the universe

The power of just a couple of words.