wow... i guess i'm kinda over it

A pregnant friend of mine was talking to me about her 33 week prenatal check-up. How her measurements were coming up slightly irregular. Her little baby-to-be was measuring at a 31 week size, when he should be measuring a bit bigger. Of course her midwife said there was nothing to worry about. But seriously, how can a mom not worry about her little baby.

I could tell my friend was a bit concerned, so I tried to reassure her. I instantly started sharing how Clove always measured small. Then the words "and she was fine" came out of my mouth. It literally took me a minute or two after saying those words until I realized that.... well.... she was not fine. She spent some time in the NICU, and she has Down syndrome.

I had this really strange realization that in my mind, right now, Clove is fine. She's downright amazing. Feeling the weight of her diagnosis, and her difficult first few months are not my world right now. And oh my god, when I realized that I said "and she was fine" --- referring to the day of her birth, knowing what she went through, what I went through, what our family went through --- when I said those words I realized, man, I'm over it. Those days are in the past, and they were dark, but I'm done with them. I'm kinda over it. hallelujah.

little girl wish list

I don't often allow myself to return to that emotional and mental space I was in during those 7.5 weeks Clove was in the NICU. However, every now and then I'm reminded of thoughts I had, or emotions I felt. Sometimes those flashes seem surreal. Other times they grip me like a vice to the heart, and I have to quickly distract myself to avoid crumbling inward. I was reminded yesterday of a mental list I created on and off during those 54 days. As I was turning these unwritten pages of things Clove may never do, I found a strange comfort in imagining her doing simple things that I believe every child should experience.

It was Robert's birthday yesterday, and on my list of things that Clove would do one day is eat birthday cake batter. From the beater, from the spoon, licking the bowl, however messy and sticky it would get - she was going to enjoy that simple pleasure. And enjoy she did.

She's crossed many more things off of that mental list of mine. 

>>like stretch out in a big bed, with no wires, no IVs, no monitors:

>>be bundled up in a warm towel after a bubble bath:

 >>be outside on a perfect crisp day to see every color magically become more vibrant:

 >>experience the joy that only birthday cupcakes and goody bags can provide:

>>fall asleep, feeling completely safe and loved on her dad's shoulder:

>>to know and feel unconditional love:

Clove continues to surprise and amaze me every day. I've realized those unwritten pages of her life, and the things I thought she'd never do, that I cried over in the NICU were unwritten because I didn't really know her then. Now that I know her, I now mentally flip through the pages of things that Clove will accomplish and the things she will be able to do. I'm beyond proud of my little sweet girl. 

I will use this lesson learned from Clove and be thankful for the things I can do, and not worry about the things I can't. Feel gratitude for the things I have, and not worry about the things I don't have. Be thankful for the things I've seen, and not worry about the things I haven't seen. Appreciate the experiences I've had, and not wish for anything different.

bright days

You know those days when the world seems better? Colors are more vibrant... you say the right things... you have unlimited energy... you're up for that last minute adventure... you're fine with a later bedtime or missed nap? I always wonder what determines those bright days. Is it something I eat? How I sleep? The color I wear? Is it just a conscious choice to see the world that way? Or is it something that I cannot control. What if it's how the planets are aligned on that day. Or the percentage of oxygen in the air. Whatever it is, I want to have as many bright days as possible. So when I have those dark days, I can remember that feeling of walking on sunshine. This past week has been bright.