little girl wish list

I don't often allow myself to return to that emotional and mental space I was in during those 7.5 weeks Clove was in the NICU. However, every now and then I'm reminded of thoughts I had, or emotions I felt. Sometimes those flashes seem surreal. Other times they grip me like a vice to the heart, and I have to quickly distract myself to avoid crumbling inward. I was reminded yesterday of a mental list I created on and off during those 54 days. As I was turning these unwritten pages of things Clove may never do, I found a strange comfort in imagining her doing simple things that I believe every child should experience.

It was Robert's birthday yesterday, and on my list of things that Clove would do one day is eat birthday cake batter. From the beater, from the spoon, licking the bowl, however messy and sticky it would get - she was going to enjoy that simple pleasure. And enjoy she did.

She's crossed many more things off of that mental list of mine. 

>>like stretch out in a big bed, with no wires, no IVs, no monitors:

>>be bundled up in a warm towel after a bubble bath:

 >>be outside on a perfect crisp day to see every color magically become more vibrant:

 >>experience the joy that only birthday cupcakes and goody bags can provide:

>>fall asleep, feeling completely safe and loved on her dad's shoulder:

>>to know and feel unconditional love:

Clove continues to surprise and amaze me every day. I've realized those unwritten pages of her life, and the things I thought she'd never do, that I cried over in the NICU were unwritten because I didn't really know her then. Now that I know her, I now mentally flip through the pages of things that Clove will accomplish and the things she will be able to do. I'm beyond proud of my little sweet girl. 

I will use this lesson learned from Clove and be thankful for the things I can do, and not worry about the things I can't. Feel gratitude for the things I have, and not worry about the things I don't have. Be thankful for the things I've seen, and not worry about the things I haven't seen. Appreciate the experiences I've had, and not wish for anything different.